Patterns and Hope

How easily we fall back into patterns of our past.  What we say, think and do in our actions do not always match, and it’s amazing how easily we let these three aspects of our lives exist in disharmony.  We question things in retrospect, but when tested with real life we trip and fall at the challenge.  Why is that?  Is it because we have these habits so engrained in us or is it something much deeper than that all together?  What if it’s not out of habit; what if it’s because we are attached to the idea of hope?  We see one more situation to test our previously held beliefs and we subconsciously throw caution to the wind and hope that “this time it will be different.”  How many times have we said that to ourselves?  It could be about a job, a relationship with a family member or how we approach love.  Without hope however, we would succumb to the overwhelming feelings  of having what we truly want to be just out of reach.  Hope is what sustains us.  It sounds as if I am arguing both sides of the fence, and in fact, I am.  Damed if you do, damed if you don’t mentality.  I find myself bouncing back and forth like a ping pong ball on the table tennis of life.

Perhaps when we have removed our self from a situation we are able to more accurately dissect the situation with less emotion and be more analytical of our decisions.  It’s difficult to have that same perspective while we are in the heat of life, living it moment by moment.  This is when we need to make those decisions though; the decisions that will lead us in one direction or another.  We either pad down the worn path of repeated mistakes or we carve out a new one.  That new uncarved path is scary and unknown.  What if we choose that path and we find pain?  What if we find that we lose the person that we long to have in our life?  Unfortunately, both the beaten path and the new one are unknowns.  We know how we feel and react to life, but we cannot predict how an outside force, such as another person, will feel or react.  How do we forecast the actions of a lover?  We have only known them for a snapshot of time.  What makes them up, and all of us up, are the millions of experiences we have that lead to one moment. Each moment is different than the last because what makes us up changes with each tick of the clock.  I cannot begrudge someone for the way that they feel or react because they are being true to themselves.  I can however, decide if I will remain or if I will go.  This is where many of us fall into our patterns from the past.  We hope.  We hope it will change, be different, improve or heal with time.  Once again the question of hope rears it’s  tempting head.  Maybe it’s not that we need to hope for something different in those moments, but to hope that we have the strength to see them when they happen instead of looking back at them from a regretful distance.