December 22, the day before my birthday, has been extraordinarily difficult to bear the past few years. Those who know me well do not need an explanation why and I will spare you the details other then to say I lost someone very dear to me that day. I can't escape the day and let it slip by unnoticed due to the fact that it sits so quietly next to my birthday, an unfortunate reminder for the rest of my life. It's been three years now since that day.
This year the date fell over my trip to Cambodia and I wouldn't have my familiar and rock solid support from my best friend. I would be facing the memories head-on with travel companions that were unaware of the approaching date that would be showing its dark underbelly. Before leaving on the trip, I contemplated telling them about the significance of the day so I could prepare them in case I had a repeat of the previous years collapse that left me in a puddle of tears on the floor with my best friend there to pick up the pieces. After 4 or 5 days into our trip and there was some traveling tension, like many people experience when traveling together, I decided to keep quiet and not mention the approaching date that was weighing so heavily on my mind. I am well aware that it is my own thinking that contributes to the emotions and reactions I have connected to this tragedy. I could stay in my hostel room alone and dissolve into myself replaying the events of that day or I could go out and face it head on in a new light. I chose the ladder.
I grabbed my tuk tuk driver and we headed out for the temples to see the beautiful sunset that I was told not to miss. The sky was clear. The air hot. And the breeze from the ride comforting as a warm hug. After 20 minutes of riding out to the temples, we had reached our destination. The driver pointed at the base of a mountain to a path and said to follow it to the top for the sunset. He would wait for me at the bottom.
As I approached the trail I saw there were four older men sitting playing traditional Cambodian music to set the mood for the trip ahead. I took a deep breath and headed up the path thinking of it as a spiritual journey of sorts, to hopefully bring myself some peace. The trail was solid green tropical trees and I couldn't help but notice the delicate spiderwebs strung between the leaves. I noticed the warm earthy smell and the soft whisper of the breeze moving through the lush green forest around me. I climbed and climbed until I reached the summit. To my surprise there was a tall temple sitting atop this forest that looked out over the surrounding wildlife.
I wiped the sweat from my brow and set out to conqueror the endless stairs to the top of the temple. After I reached the top I took in the magnificent view while I caught my breath. In the distance you could see Angkor Wat standing proudly over the land. There were only a few people there when I reached the top, but I knew more would be coming to witness the famed sunset, so I staked out a perfect spot to sit and view the sunset.
While sitting on my staked out claim my thoughts rested on the significance of the date and the events that unfolded after that sad day. Life is filled with "what-ifs." I thought about "what if" she was still alive. What would she look like? What would her personality be like? What would her laugh sound like? Would I have stayed and would I still be married? A line of "what-ifs" strung through my mind in an endless stream. I looked out into the pinking sky and realized that without that terrible event the only thing I could be sure of is that I would not have been sitting on top of an ancient temple in Cambodia watching the sunset.
The day before in one of the temples I knelt on the floor with a monk as he blessed me and tied a red bracelet to my wrist. While watching the sunset I looked down and noticed the monks bracelet. Without another thought, I took it off and sent my thoughts to her as if she could hear me through it. It wasn't our time to meet yet and she wasn't needed on this spiritual plane. I would meet her someday, but not yet. My path and my story was not meant to end in a white picket fence scenario in my home town. She knew there were other things that I needed to do and she wanted me to have the life that I had carved out and now found myself truly happy in. 
As the sun dropped lower and lower in the sky I felt like I could feel her looking down and telling me that it was OK. This wasn't goodbye, but only see you later. The sky was splashed with pinks and oranges as the sun blinked out of sight and I blinked the sting of tears away.
With the bracelet strung between my fingers I waited for the crowd to dissipate. I walked forward to the edge of the temple wall that faced the sunset and found a peaked stone to rest the bracelet on as a memorial to her memory.
I made it through the day
without losing myself to the pain.
Until we meet, I send you light and love Vivianne.
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